Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
