oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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