So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
