Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
