I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
