wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
