i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
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