I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
