make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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