It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
