ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
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