After last night, I could never be a politician.
no, he came in my armpit
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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