he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he quoted the bible to break up with me
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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