I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
