I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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