my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I woke up under a house in Key West
We smell like vodka and hangover
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