I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
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I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
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He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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