hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Fuck appropriateness.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
