i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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