his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
