I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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