i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
