You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You may now shotgun with the bride
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
