I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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