if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
