How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
