tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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