I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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