he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
