Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
