wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
