I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
