Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
