Swine flu. Run for my life!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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