Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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