I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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