So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
