How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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