I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
