i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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