when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
