I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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