I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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