make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
