I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
