I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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