so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
