Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend