All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
