honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
