I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
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