Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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