he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
