How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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