mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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