Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
