i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
